“It’s not worth it to tell the truth,” is something I hear people say quite often. Well, that depends whether you are really measuring what you’re losing by lying, and whether you really care about what you’re losing. You may not notice the gradual deterioration of your once-intimate relationship into a casual daily exchange of niceties – but that is what tends to happen when you are consistently, consciously, and carefully withholding information about your feelings and you activities from your partner over a period of time. The lie we’re usually talking about here is attraction to another person– although sometimes it’s simply a deep attraction to an activity or a way of life. Really, there isn’t necessarily a lot of difference. People can be just as jealous of an activity that their partner enjoys more than spending time with them, as they would be of a person whom their partner was seeing. Sometimes people just need to be more important than anything or anyone else. That in itself makes one wonder . . . but that’s material for another post. Right now I’m writing about why you would tell the truth to your partner when you know or you are afraid that s/he will be angry once the truth is in the open.
Your partner being angry shouldn’t be the end of the world. If she is good at dealing with her feelings, s/he will soon get over the anger and start looking at a solution to the problem – if s/he considers there is a problem there, which she may not (always be careful of jumping to assumptions about what others will or even do think). If you are regularly withholding information and feelings from your partner because you are afraid of his/her anger, then something is wrong in the relationship and you probably should be seeing a therapist or a couples counselor. If it’s just one thing you are being secretive about, then how you deal with it is your call. Think about what you gain by holding that secret and what you would gain by being open about it. Think about the long term– if you keep on keeping it a secret, perhaps that will make it much worse when the time arrives when it is revealed, or you become so afraid that it will be revealed that you are in a constant state of stress. You need to ask yourself these questions before it gets to that point: Does it make you feel bad to be keeping this information from your partner? If so, then it is affecting your relationship negatively. Is that OK with you? And if so, why is it OK? How bad will it have to get to be not OK? And those questions may take you to this one: Is your relationship already on the rocks? Does it need some really radical re-organization?
Truthfully, when you really love someone, you want the best for that person and you support them in whatever brings them joy, even if it means they will spend less time with you. It requires having a life separate from your lover that you really enjoy, and it requires a deep sense of self-esteem to be able to operate from that self-less place. It doesn’t work to pretend that you are operating from that place if you really are not, so don’t even go there. Own up to your real feelings, and in doing that there is always the possibility they will change, especially if you have good friends who are willing not to take the normal path of trashing the person who is “betraying” you. I do know people who can deal well with multiple partners. Operating from a consistent place of jealous control, which means needing to stop your partner from doing things just because you don’t like them is pretty childish and immature, after all. I believe that we are evolving to a place where polyamorous relationships will be accepted and supported—not that everyone will be doing it, but there will not be an assumption that no one is doing it.
So I encourage people to be absolutely honest with each other. Standing in that place of integrity is a place of power, and that expectation can be set up from the beginning. Still, there are times when honesty needs to be tempered by kindness. There is no need to tell your partner that this new person you’re sleeping with is the best lover you have ever had, or that you think her tits are magnificent. Respect your partner’s feelings, just as you would wish her/him to respect yours. You don’t need to pass on every thought that goes through your head.
Mikaya Heart (mikayaheart.org) is an award-winning author and a life-coach, using shamanic methods to teach people how to operate from a place of trust instead of fear. Her last book was The Ultimate Guide to Orgasm for Women; her next book is Life, Lies, and Sex: A User’s Guide to Being in a Body.
Filed under: Dating and Relationships, Featured Press Tagged: Coaching, Intimate relationship, Person, relationship, Sexual intercourse, Sexual partner, Thought, Truth
